For the majority of my life, I’ve had no problem compartmentalizing my world. There’s right and there is wrong. Up down, black white, big small, etc. The gray areas of this world were something that I didn’t particularly need to focus on. With a core value system firmly in place, I lived my life with the expectation that most people are good, they mean well, but sometimes are not able to live up to words they choose to use. As the years went on, I learned that its better to eliminate the people from your life than to deal with the constant disappointment over their words or actions. This began to be a pattern, an unfortunate one.
From grandiose things that have left physical or mental scars, feeling not just unloved but unwanted to the milder things such as not doing what they say they’re going to. I can cut a person out of my life, and never think on them again. It’s like their memory is a closed window with a blackout shade that doesn’t even hint at what they once were to me. I honestly believe that forgiveness isn’t something I’ve ever really done. I hold grudges with no intention of ever letting them go, and i can tell you every slight, every hurt feeling, and every wound delivered to me by another. These are my coat of arms, my shields against the world.
I’m thirty-four years old and have no idea how to truly forgive someone for anything. I think the mythical sense of relief expressed by people when they finally ‘let go’ and ‘move on’ is really bullshit and self disillusionment. Someone once threw in my face that God forgave me for my sins, so I need to forgive the persons who made me bitter. First of all, i’m not bitter. I’m not a God, obviously he’s a better man than I. I’ll just keep cleaving out the ones who wound me until I’m left with the people in my life who are good influences, and strive to be good human beings. I don’t see anything wrong with this.
My seventeen year old daughter had a child three weeks ago with a twenty year old. He’s a member of the armed forces and took ten days leave. While he was on leave, I went with him to get a car, so that he could help my daughter get back and forth to the hospital because the baby was premature and wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. He also extended his leave, another ten days.
While his newborn son was in NICU, still in the hospital with a feeding tube up his nose, this new father takes a vacation to go visit his family. He stays for about seven days, and flies back. The car mysteriously had things wrong with it, and he couldn’t drive it back. Mind you, my daughter still has to go to the hospital every three hours. It got to the point where my pothead neighbors created a buddy system for her while I worked so that she didn’t have to walk alone and be bothered by assholes.
Now I’m supposed to just forgive this. I’m supposed to understand that it’s not my fight. That it’s okay that he went to Tennessee and abandoned his child. I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut and my opinions to myself.
Fine, then I can’t speak a single word. So I didn’t. He came to my house, and expected everything to be fine. I left a room if he came in it, and if he wanted to be downstairs with the kids and my daughter, I went upstairs. This of course caused hurt feelings, I made him feel unwanted. GUESS WHAT!?!?! You are. Moving on.
I arranged for him to get a ride back on base, at 8pm last night. In his infinite wisdom, he wanted to stay longer, so gets his return time moved back to 8 am the next day. Guess whose ass had to get up and drive him? Yes. Me. My daughter knows I will do what needs to be done, and so does he. I’m beyond disgusted by the selfishness that I see in him that I’m supposed to be okay with.
Now this young man is going to be in my family for the rest of my life. I’m ill equip to deal with any of this. I do not possess the social skills strong enough to watch this boy wreck my daughter’s life, hear heart, and then ruin the life of their child. I really just want to punch him in the face, and then force him as far away from either of them to prevent the damage he’s going to do. But no, I have to keep my damn mouth shut, and my opinions to myself.
Fuck it all, that’s hard.
Taking donations for a vacation for myself, because I’m going to be needing a mental institution before too long.