Last night I watched Stepford Wives and asked myself what fiasco went so wrong in my life that I’m purposely lying in bed watching what could possibly be the worst movie in history. I got invited to go have a beer, but I didn’t have my car and will never think it’s a good idea to invite a random stranger to my home and then get in the car with them. If nothing else, I’m quite adept at keeping myself among the living. It is my preferred state of existence after all.
I’m taking a break from blogging about the insanity that is my dating life. I did go on a first date that lasted something like five ours and started at four am. I couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t sleep, sex wasn’t involved, but it was nice. We’ll see how that plays out.
I’m learning more and more about myself each day. I enjoy entertaining others. I write this blog more because I know twenty seconds after it posts Kate and Kay will like and/or message me. I’m going to start an impoverished laptop fund soon because I’m a little tired of creating words on my cell phone. My thumbs just aren’t that dexterous. One of my coworkers whom I don’t speak to on a regular basis let me know she enjoyed reading it.
This morning I feel a bit like I’m in a maze waiting to find the prize at the center. I know what I want out of life, and where I want to be. I want to move to Virginia, so that I can live near my sister. I want my car to be safe and legal, all at the same time. (Paid off would be nice too but hell why be greedy?) I want to be in a healthy, loving relationship where I don’t feel smothered, inferior, or like a bitch all the time. Since this is my blog and my wish list, I’d also like to lose about fifty pounds while keeping most of my boobs and ass. I want the motivation to go to the gym I pay for each month. Basically I need a life overhaul that involves a militant like personal life coach.
I miss writing, and creating worlds, characters, situations that entertained the people around me. I got frustrated because my books didn’t sell. I felt like I’d failed. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I’d never actually failed at something before, so I didn’t know how to react to not being perfect. Life isn’t easy for me, don’t get it twisted, but I damn sure go out of my way to always do better than is expected. I’m so ridiculously driven, I have an end game in mind before I say hello. Writing did not follow my life pattern, so I packed up my toys and went home. Then I started writing this ridiculously stupid zombie girl story that I thought was silly words on a screen meant for nothing more than to get into the daily habit of writing. The only problem is my friends fell in love with it.
So while I may not have the car situated, or the man, or the location… hell or even the laptop… what I do have is perspective. I never did write for money, so who the hell cares if I made any?
I write because I’m pretty damn sure my brain will explode with word overload.