The Problem With Innuendo

This is what a conversation is actually like with me: 


Person X on the phone: I’d really like to get to know you better. 

Me: Okay.

Person X: Tell me everything about yourself, your ambitions, your deepest darkest secrets.

Me: I don’t like to talk on the phone for hours. How about you ask specific questions. I’m better with those. 

Person X: You’re funny. 

(Me thinking: how was that funny?)

Me saying: Thanks, I think. 

Person X: What are your plans for tonight?

Me: It’s eleven oclock. I’m going to bed here shortly. 

Person X: Oh? Gonna get a shower first?

(Me thinking: who the fuck asks that?)

Me saying: Yeah

Person X: I want to be the soap sliding all over your body.

(Me thinking: that’s disgusting.)

Me Saying: I don’t know how to respond to that. 

Person X: Invite me over, so I can shower with you, and tuck you into bed. 

Me: Does that line ever work? 

Person X: Everyone needs someone to scrub their back. 

Me: Okay so, I’m gonna go. I just don’t think you’re the type of person I’m looking for.

Person X: don’t be that way, invite me over. 

…. this is where I just hung up. He called 8 times after that, and twice this morning. 


I’m sure there’s some lesson to be learned in all this. I promise I’m not looking for the weirdest men on the planet. These are the men that don’t start with overt innuendo and actually have conversations first. 

I would love to meet one normal, well adjusted man, who didn’t think the way to get to know me was through my vagina. 




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