This is what a conversation is actually like with me:
Person X on the phone: I’d really like to get to know you better.
Person X: Tell me everything about yourself, your ambitions, your deepest darkest secrets.
Me: I don’t like to talk on the phone for hours. How about you ask specific questions. I’m better with those.
Person X: You’re funny.
(Me thinking: how was that funny?)
Me saying: Thanks, I think.
Person X: What are your plans for tonight?
Me: It’s eleven oclock. I’m going to bed here shortly.
Person X: Oh? Gonna get a shower first?
(Me thinking: who the fuck asks that?)
Me saying: Yeah
Person X: I want to be the soap sliding all over your body.
(Me thinking: that’s disgusting.)
Me Saying: I don’t know how to respond to that.
Person X: Invite me over, so I can shower with you, and tuck you into bed.
Me: Does that line ever work?
Person X: Everyone needs someone to scrub their back.
Me: Okay so, I’m gonna go. I just don’t think you’re the type of person I’m looking for.
Person X: don’t be that way, invite me over.
…. this is where I just hung up. He called 8 times after that, and twice this morning.
I’m sure there’s some lesson to be learned in all this. I promise I’m not looking for the weirdest men on the planet. These are the men that don’t start with overt innuendo and actually have conversations first.
I would love to meet one normal, well adjusted man, who didn’t think the way to get to know me was through my vagina.