I’m A Big Kid Now

drinkgameLast night I went to a party. This party didn’t involve birthday cakes, children, or family. I can’t even remember the last time I was invited to and went to an actual party. The kind where music is thumping and adults play drinking games for the amusement of themselves and others. For a brief moment in time, I felt normal. Look at me, I have friends who do normal things. I stayed for about an hour because I am not normal. I can’t lose control enough to play a drinking game, and I was driving so I was playing a drinking game while drinking Gatorade. I’m so uncool.

As I sit here, drinking coffee and preparing to start my day, I’m amused that it has taken me thirty-five years to admit, that I’m kind of okay with myself. I’ve always been okay with the smart side of myself. That’s easy, it’s been a staple in my self worth. But the rest of me, i can tell you my flaws quicker than you can shake a stick at. 

Then there is the flip side to that. I’m bold. Very few things make me pause and doubt. I can strut naked in a room with a man and not wonder about what he’s thinking. If he didn’t want to see me naked he wouldn’t have been there has pretty much always been my philosophy. I can sing in front of a bar full of people without a drop of alcohol. When I make a decision, its made. I make them lightening fast unless its somehow money related, then I can stew for days.

Our own worth is such a fragile thing, while yes I do care whether or not people like me, or that they feel I’m a productive member of society, I’m not hung up on how someone else views me. They could never be as harsh critic as I am, and if they were, that’s not the type of influence I want in my life anyway.

So ladies, and men too, revel in the oddities that make you. Don’t wait 35 years to be able to stand naked in front of a mirror and say hot damn. Be bold, take chances. No one gets to decide what is right or wrong for me. 

This journey of first dates, a few second and thirds, has shown me, there are far more people to shake my head over than myself. A friend said that she felt like I’d ripped the words from her soul. Dating woes are universal. They aren’t defined by age, sex, race, or religion. People suck everywhere, but we all struggle through this because the thought of truly being alone is terrifying. We humans need to connect.

Some of us stay in bad relationships to avoid this feeling of loneliness. I did that a few times in my life. I simply knew it wasn’t for me yet stayed because, hell I can’t give up! What kind of nonsense is that. So I wasted time and energy on what wasn’t worth it just to wind up alone and lonely all these years later. Which works because that’s how long it took me to realize that I’m a pretty amazing person with brains, beauty, and a sense of humor that will keep your life entertained. 

So there you go, teenage angst that stayed with me a hell of a long time… suck it!




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