Prison of Fears

Every day millions of people go about their day, each wrapped in their own little bubble of life, without ever straying from the paths we create for ourselves. We call this our comfort zone. In reality it’s our prison. Now, I do not have an anxiety disorder, I can pretty much find alternative routes all the time when something makes me nervous or anxious. I am pretty good at working under pressure, and I like a challenge. 

If I got paid to lose weight, I’d be a size two. If I had a boss, who held me accountable to my diet, and my exercise regimine, they would run like clockwork. I cannot hold myself accountable.

If I had a boss for writing, I’d write 5k words a day and not even think about it. Even if I had a partner, someone to write with that didn’t need praise because I’m really bad at atta-girl conversations. Someone to hold me accountable, and keep me in line because at 37 years, I’ve learned my fears hold me back.

I won’t start a diet because I’m afraid it will fail. I won’t consistently go to any exercise program because it might be too hard. I can’t afford it – etc.I’m very good at making excuses. 

So now I’m on this path to buy a house. It terrifies me to think of my own lack of will power. I need to come up with about $8,000. This is for the down payment, and for closing. Now feasibly, I can get the seller to pay closing, and that takes me to about $4500. Now if I wait and set aside $450 a month, I could have that in ten months. 

But then – Thanksgiving

and Christmas

And I want this

And someone needs that. 

I want to own a home, more than anything else in the world. I grew up without stability, as the sole parent to four children, I want this for them. Being this close to having it, its beautiful. Knowing I am preventing myself from getting it – its depressing in every single way. I look back at what i’ve done. I cleared away over $6000 in debt in the last year. I got credit cards to help build credit. I got a brand new car (Which I love but wish I’d of waited). I’m financially able to pay all of my bills. 

But I can’t save money.

Like I can’t write with consistency.

Like I can’t eat healthy and work out. 

Because I suck at #Adulting.

Now I’ve gone and depressed myself. 

xoxo ~Kristy

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