Betrayal is suffocating. Betrayed by a coward who hides from the deserved repercussions only fuels an inadequacy that anger cannot contain. You plaster a smile on your lips and pray that everyone stops looking at you like you will crumble at their feet. As if a betrayed spirit could ever be fragile enough to shatter. No, gentle reader, know that empires have fallen because a betrayed heart sought vengeance. Enemies have been vanquished in the name of an unquenchable thirst to rebuild the sense of self stolen.
That is what I never understood before. We do not have strength borne from daily battles of hardship and strive. Strength comes from turning the other cheek. To know that your heart was obliterated by the man you entrusted it with in the most heinous of fashions. To know he hides because he chooses not to bear witness to the deserved retaliations. This suffocating, crippling, debilitating black hole of rage colors every sense you have, because in truth you are mourning.
And yet, you still must wake up. You must put one foot in front of the other. Every waking breath, shadowed by a fractured heartbeat, nothing more than an echoed reminder that the fucking world still turns. That everyone else has already moved on from your paltry melodrama. They don’t care that breathing is no longer involuntary, that you have to drag that breath up from the bowels of hell just to fucking make it to your lungs.
But by now you’ve gotten quite good at pretending to feel normal. A wise woman told me it was okay to allow yourself to feel however the fuck you want. (She didn’t say fuck, I took creative liberties with that.) That simple piece of advice is now my new mantra.
So tomorrow, I will get up. I will wash my face and brush my teeth. I will smile and kiss my children good morning. Perhaps I’ll even swim and hold on to the hope that my next smile will be real. That my next laugh isn’t hallow. That my next thought won’t be about how badly I want to hurt him.
It will have to be tomorrow because today I still want to reign chaos upon his world that would shock the very fabric of our society.