Doubts

Dating is like buying a used car. At first the hunt is exciting. It takes a while though to find a car that suits all of your needs. While car shopping is fun, too many test drives can be bad for ones health. We are warriors though, we persevere through the adversity of snake tongued salesman and lifetime deals that shroud hidden promises of headaches and financial woes.

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Then you find that hidden gem. The diamond in the rough that makes your heart race and nether regions vibrate. Every thing you could hope for, wrapped up in a pleasing presentation of quality. So you do what any rational human does, pursue until you seal the deal.

So now you have this amazing new ride. Everything about it gives you goose bumps and you want to be in it every chance you get. It starts to get serious when you think of showing it off to your girls… Or your parents.

So what if its got a few oddly placed dings and Knicks. From the moment you drove off the lot, its been reliable, practical, and fun. Everything you ever put on your wish list for a car was there. And then it sputters. The check engine light comes on. Nothing major, just a warning that sounds off old fears in your head.

Is it just settling down? Getting the last few kinks out from the abuse of the last owner? Or is it something more? Doubt is a bitch my friends and the killer of all things happy. How many of my doubts are fears from the past sabotaging any chance I have at a future. Little things trigger amazing reactions that remind me why I’ve been single for as long as I have.

This new to me car must now pay for the sins of all the lemons in my past. Doubts are like weeds that grow in my mind, because things don’t work out that way for me.

Or they don’t work out that way for me because instead of using weed killer, I’m pollinating the yard with more. Ugh. I want off the crazy ride.

Xoxo
Kristy

xoxoxo Kristy

Who is your Inner Goddess?

4AmazonDivine Touch by Kristy Denice Bock Buy Here
Which Goddess are You?

Every woman is a little bit Goddess – but the real question is which Goddess are you?
1. Buy her a new pair. She didn’t mean it after all.
2. Forgive her, and use it as an excuse to buy a new pair for you.
3. Torch her favorite little black dress, then take her out to lunch. You are even after all.
4. Plan to make her life miserable but feel remorse over your plans.
5. Torture her endlessly until you’ve gotten your pound of flesh.
6. Blow up the town she lives in.

If a guy suddenly cancels a date on short notice you…?
1. Accept his words, he’d never lie to you about something like that.
2. Forgive him, and call up your #2 on your speed dial.
3. Drive to where he is, make a scene, then pay the tab and tell him you’ll call him next week.
4. Tell him what a schmuck he is, then call later that evening and express your guilt.
5. Drive to where he is, attack him and anyone who dares to defend him.
6. Blow up the city he’s located in.

If your favorite gold fish winds up floating belly up in the bowl, you?
1. Do everything in your power to bring it back to life.
2. Know that it’s little body will complete the circle of life.
3. Cry for a moment, then go buy a new goldfish and reuse the name.
4. Give it a porcelain burial and moan about the unfairness of it all.
5. Scream at its corpse and rage. Threaten every other living creature near you.
6. Drop some grenades in the lake and kill off the rest of the species.

Your boss makes you work overtime so she can go to a concert you’ve been dying to go to, you?
1. Figure can always go next time. She deserves a night out.
2. Work harder so you can have her job by that time next year.
3. Work the overtime, and send a virus to her computer.
4. Mope and whine about not going, and think of ways to get back at her.
5. Get her fired. She deserves it!
6. Wait until she’s at the concert and blow up her and everyone in it. Why should they be happy?

Mostly 1’s
You are Jaebo!! The Goddess of Light, Love and all things Good!!
Jaebo likes for everyone, and everything to be happy in her world. She will give you the shirt off her back, and forgive any transgression.

Mostly 2’s
You are Tatiana!! The Goddess of Elements!!
Tatianna isn’t perfect, but she strives to lead an exemplary life. Her ability to forgive is astounding, but she knows how to get her digs in now and again.

Mostly 3’s
You are Noxia!! The Supreme Ruler of the Universe!! Goddess of Balance!!
Noxia will cause just as many problems as she resolves. She’ll use everyone around her for the betterment of mankind and her Goddess sisters.

Mostly 4’s
You are Edereu!! The Goddess of Death!!
Edereu thinks she should be the supreme ruler and covets everything Noxia has. She makes the life of everyone around her miserable with her selfish and petty ways, but she does have a good side… somewhere.

Mostly 5’s
You are Killana!! The Goddess of Chaos and Strife!!
Killana has no boundaries or social skills. She’ll do everything and anything that sounds good at the time no matter who it disrupts. Actually… she hopes it disrupts everyone.

Mostly 6’s
You are Ulma!! The Goddess of Destruction!!
Ulma hates all humans and hopes they all die in a blaze fit for her to roast her marshmallows on.

What’s Worse Than A Bad First Date?

profile  woman in a shade of a silhouette with phone, isolated on a white background

For well over a year now, I’ve vented about horrible first dates, ridiculous men, and the neurotic world of dating that I’ve survived since I started this random journey. I never expected to find something even more challenging about this experience. Bad dates? Pfft. I got this. Great date that didn’t end up as a one night stand? What the heck is that all about. Let me go back to the beginning.

So there I am, trolling POF because what else do I have to do on a Saturday? A username caught my eye so I texted him to ask if he’s from Pittsburgh. He said no, he just likes the Steelers and we kind of went from there. We talked for a few hours and agreed to go out. I didn’t want to go to a bar where I wouldn’t be able to hear anything so we went down to the water front. It was great, relaxed. He made me laugh, we know some of the same people… grew up in the same area etc. He’s employed, has his own place. Nothing stood out as bat shit crazy, all night long.

We stayed out until 3 in the morning. He didn’t try to kiss me, so I of course spend half the night lying in bed wondering why. Then I berate myself because I’m a forward thinking female, if I wanted kissed, I should have kissed him. What is this, the 1800s? Then as I’m about to fall asleep he texts me to make sure I got home okay and that he had a good time. All I could think of was:

shavefirstdateI shaved my legs, and didn’t even get a kiss. I’m gonna need you to bring your ass back out so you can finish the date properly. What did I text back? Me too, sweet dreams.

I’m more neurotic after this first successful date in months, than I have been with the characters I’ve previously written about. There really is no pleasing me. Let me dress up, but don’t comment on my chest I hate that. I want you to treat me with the utmost respect,  but for fuck sake kiss me good night. I want you to be smart, funny, engaging, sincere, mostly-honest, and in addition to all that, have shoulders that I can’t help but touch.

Basically I want the big fucking white whale of men, and no, I will not call you Ishmael.

Oh but really the date went well, and I’d like to see him again. We texted a few times today, so I wasn’t too bat shit crazy for him I guess.

Or he has a think for bat shit crazy who knows.

xoxo

Kristy

Hallmark > Lifetime

I often watch Hallmark movies when the mood strikes me to be sappy or sweet. What is amusing about this, is I seriously dislike Lifetime movies. Some would say they are the exact same, but I’m here to tell you, Hallmark has a softer touch, whereas Lifetime seems to want to make a soap opera of CNN. They seem to make a movie of every single real life event and turn it into a campy, over the top disaster in the making starring people like Lindsey Lohan. What does any of this have to do with anything you ask? I find myself in a movie that’s a cross between a Hallmark and a creepy Lifetime stalker-thon. For those of you that actually know me, you’ll find humor in the next few moments.

I received a random, out of the blue, Facebook message from a person whom I work with. I was going to share the screen shot, but as they know where I work, I thought I’d behave, and they’re probably a perfectly nice, sane, individual. One would hope. Here’s the catch. They sent me a semi-anonymous message with a fake name. Then then proceed to tell me how interested they were in me, and why it must be kept a secret. This disturbs me on two levels. One, I’m a bull in a China shop. Everything I do, I do with guns blazing and banners dropped. I never learned how to be cute, coy, or deferential. So the very idea that someone can’t just be open with me sends every red flag up in my brain. It’s like the Genie in Aladdin, WARNING. WARNING. WARNING.

Part of me is intrigued. I’ve never had a secret admirer before. (Because most people know me better than to try to be vague. I don’t pick up on social queues, have no idea when someone is flirting, and am all around horrible at reading people’s intentions.) So back to my secret admirer. I’m perplexed because I simply don’t understand the thought process behind sending a ‘secret’ Facebook message. While I do understand there are laws against sexual harassment, there isn’t against saying hello. What happened to talking to people, face to face, and getting to know them?

So what was my grand response? I have a blog on dating, go read it. Yes, dear readers. I sent him to my blog. Anyone who is interested in me should know the whole story first. That and I can’t get past a grown man, using words like ‘crush’. I’m not in middle school. The time for ‘Do you like me’ notes ended with training bras. I won’t be checking yes or no. I’ll be abstaining from a vote until I meet someone who can stand toe to toe with me.

Xoxo

Kristy

Single friends… anyone? Please? Save me.

So I went trolling on POF tonight. I was bored and had the apparent desire to do the equivalent of bashing my head against a brick wall. I like to think I’m a fairly entertaining person. People are usually laughing at me anyway, so may as well have some fun with engaging others in conversation. Tonight I saw that someone had messaged me a few times. I’d never responded because he just didn’t look my type at all. For some reason tall white and nerdy just doesn’t ring my bell. Below I’ll share a snapshot of our conversation. I should have just ignored my inner voice that tells me I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

So please, save me from myself. One of you out there has to have a single friend, who doesn’t suck at life, that you can send me on a date with. I now need someone else to pick for me, because apparently… I simply do not have the talent of finding an acceptable man for myself.

Behold: Kristy Trolling on POF

THE COVER NEVER LIES PEOPLE.

busty
scorpiomale
I’m doing good. What are you looking for?
Kristy
lol right this moment? Sanity and sleep, but since neither seem to be forthcoming, I guess I’ll answer in the generalized statement. Being single is boring, dating is ridiculous, and I’m tired of trying to figure out who to take when I get a +1 invitation for an event or function. So basically what I’m looking for is someone to enjoy life with.

scorpiomale
Cool. I’m looking for friends or more. I’d like to find a good honest faithful woman for a possible long term relationship
Kristy
Well, good luck with that. I’m pretty sure everyone strives to be good honest and faithful. So you shouldn’t have too much trouble in that aspect.

scorpiomale
Faithful seems to be hard to find. Ever been married? Kids?

Kristy
No. Yes… in that order.

scorpiomale
Cool. I never been marrieds and no kids. I love kids though 🙂

Kristy
Kids are something else. They are spontaneous and explosive all in the same second.

scorpiomale
Yeah that is true lol
I must admit that I do have a thing for busty women

KristyB
So does every other man in the world, it’s a fairly universal trait.

scorpiomale
I didn’t used to like them big, but now I do.

🙂

You Busy?

If you don’t mind me asking, what size are they?

(this is where I ended the conversation, deleted, and blocked him.)

I just can’t make this shit up.

xoxo

Kristy

@*#% Or Get Off The Pot

You know what frustrates me? Meeting men who actually sound human. They are smart, funny, good looking, employed, have a vehicle, and know where their kids are. These men that seem to have their acts together are elusive little fuckers. Over the course of my online dating experiences, I’ve met a few of these mystical creatures. But then, the most amazing thing happens. They turn into a new thing entirely. They are the caterpillar of men. They cocoon themselves in texts and infrequent phone calls, and transform into a man far too busy to date. Their time is eaten up by mysterious things that probably stand for: M.A.R.R.I.E.D, E.N.G.A.G.E.D, or otherwise completely UNAVAILABLE… sorry got tired of trying to be amusing with my periods. catepilar

I met one man who lives in Cape Carteret, and another on the Outerbanks. Both seem like decent men that I appear to have a great deal in common with. Both are elusive and problematic for having a face to face greeting. It really is sad that people seem to prefer living their lives in the cyber world. To what end? One I’ve been talking to off and on for like six months. The other is fairly new in my realm of dating.

So let me do a quick recap for those new to my blog: I suck at dating.

I haven’t been on a date in weeks. Sex? I barely even remember what that is. My prospects of actually getting married one day seem to dwindle by the wayside with each day that passes. Biological clock? Bitches I have a Matrimonial Timex that will blow yours out of the water.

In other news, I read a kick ass book. Google Brooklyn Ann. She is a kick ass writer. (Also she writes back when you write to her at 3 am.)

Tonight I’m going to lose more sleep and read her third book in a series about vampires. It’s historical, which usually isn’t my cup of tea… but seriously its fantastic and worth it.

Back to Blogging… FTW

wrongchoiceI read a Facebook post today with a debate of what FTW stands for. I found it aptly appropriate today because it can honestly stand for ‘For the Win’ or ‘Fuck the World’. That sums up my mixed emotions about dating. I included a lovely little clip of someone who wanted me to drive on base and ‘cum cuddle’ with him. I swear to you, that is what he wrote. First and foremost, anyone who writes cum in place of come is infantile and obnoxious. Let alone, why would you want to cuddle up to someone you just met?

I can’t stand grown adult men who write like 13 year old boys. I watched my son laugh and giggle until he couldn’t breathe over words that could be of a sexual nature. He’s 13 and just say the word ‘penis’ in his presence and he will spend hours regaling you with jokes he’s learned.

What grown ass man would speak like that to a woman he potentially wants to meet and/or date. I mean seriously, grow up. His profile said 37. THIRTY SEVEN. Please excuse me while I go jump off the nearest bridge and weep for my dating prospects. What the fuck people?

Oh, and I tried Tinder. I may never wash the stench of creepy ick factor that came from that app. Just the volume alone of horny, lonely, depressing men left me wondering if there was in fact date-able life after all. I have a screen shot but I won’t post it. A lovely gentleman actually decided to send me a video of how he liked his appendage to be blown. I kid you not. It’s epic, I laughed so hard, I damn near peed myself.

So, here I am, back to dating, and I have to tell you. I haven’t laughed so much in days.

PS. Though I may just have a coffee date today.

xoxo

Kristy

And The Beat Goes On…

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Life takes a moment every now and again to remind me how funny it is. So this is me, talking to a guy. He tells me to call out sick. Seriously what kind of people live in this world that feel its okay to jeopardize your job to ‘hang out’. I’m hip to your lingo sir…

A friend of mine said she’d rather just be single than deal with the seven levels of Hell that is dating and with prime choices like the one above, I cant say as I blame her.  The previous lines that didn’t fit in the screenshot were him saying hello to me for the first time.

I’m fairly popular today. A 22 year old chatted me up, then got quiet… Probably when he realized I’m old enough to be his mother. (almost). He was at least polite and literate. Then there was a walking poster board for high blood pressure. His face was so red it looked like his eyeballs were going to pop out of his head and steam would erupt from his ears. Men… Hide your crazy at least for the first ten minutes. We are on to your games.

So, its moving weekend and i have no dates planned. Apparently my dating life sucks.

Xoxo
Kristy

Dating Life… the Sequel

downloadApparently my dating limit is three months. It takes me three long months to realize I made a truly bad decision about who I want to share my time with. You’d think I’d be able to figure this shit out in about twenty minutes. When I meet someone for the first time, I can usually tell if I’m going to have anything in common with them. Why then, do I go pick out the desperate and broken? Seriously? Criminal drug addict… check. Disabled alcoholic…. check. Ignorant asshat… check. That’s not even including the married man that snuck in there for a brief moment. In other news, this blog wants me to change snuck to sneaked, and for the life of me, I can’t make sneaked sound right, so snuck is staying. I don’t care if its right or wrong.

Moving on, because I did actually have a point to this blog, that didn’t just question my sanity or judgment. I’ve still kept my Plenty of Fish account open, even though I still get random posts about my breasts by way of greeting, because I want to keep my options open. Sure, I have met every illiterate “single” male from here to Raleigh that finds it acceptable to make demands upon meeting me, but I’m sure there is a diamond in the rough somewhere.

Please God, let there be a diamond in the rough somewhere.

It’s not like my standards are too high… seriously, I could use better standards. I go through days where I convince myself of reasons why I’m perpetually single. The easy… I’m overweight. Not just by a little. This is my go to excuse as to why I’m always going to be alone, and never have that damn white picket fence. Then I realized that Honey BooBoo’s mother managed to find a long term relationship. Then I travel down this road of insecurity. Is it because I’m not pretty? Some days I think I am, others I stare at my flaws. My eyebrows are weird, my teeth are crooked and one is chipped. I break out like a sixteen year old. My nose cheeks, and chest flush red, all the time, even for no reason. I have wrinkles on my forehead, and the reason I smile all the time is vanity because my mouth has a natural downward shape.

Maybe its my personality. Insecurity does make me say stupid things. I could go on and on about how I’m sabotaging my own dating life, but in reality, I just think that I have expectations of how things should be, and I’m disappointed when they aren’t so.

Or I’m just bat shit crazy.

xoxo

Kristy